Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder. A phrase we've all grown up with, heard a million times, and dismissed wholeheartedly because, well... it's an old phrase. And our best reference to it is that Twilight Zone episode where everyone is super ugly except the main couple, but THEY'RE THE UGLY ONES IN THIS WORLD!!
Good point, Rod Serling. But it doesn't cheer me up when a boy I like doesn't return my advances. It feels old fashioned. It needs an update. And a lot of people could benefit from a modernization of this phrase anyway, there's a lot of people out there desperate to be liked by everyone else online. I didn't really fully understand this concept until a couple of weeks ago...
My friends and I had just come from a screening of my new film "GOLDEN HOUR" at Videology in Brooklyn. To our delight, DuMont burger was just a few doors down, so we sauntered over there to get our burger on.
This is scarily accurate.
Almost right after we arrived, the Most Attractive Man I've Ever Seen (MAMIES) came into the place and sat down by himself to have dinner. He was German-looking, young... the girls in there thought he was straight, but I knew better. I tried to catch his eye, but he didn't return my glances. Not one. And I was trying, like Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange, my eyes were firmly planted on this boy.
My best friend Michael sat across from me and was annoyed that I kept looking at him. "Be present, Daniel." He was almost as vehement about this as when I'm on my phone. "Get off your phone! Talk to ME!" But before I could pay attention to Michael, I tried plan B. See if he was on Grindr. After all, he was by himself, checking his phone constantly. But alas, he wasn't. Must not be gay. Oh well. I had a few messages from people who I was NOT into, I swiped them away.
So we left without talking to MAMIES, said goodbye to our friends and Michael and I drove out to Jersey for a party. On the way, I kept talking about this guy. "Should we see if he's at Metropolitan? Or This N That? Output!?" And Michael drops the bomb, "He wasn't that cute. And he kept checking me out, it was annoying."
Also my type.
WHAT. Checking MICHAEL out? Oh no. We had a classic not-my-type triangle. I was into the guy who wasn't into me, but was into Michael who wasn't into him. But like, HOW could Michael not find this guy attractive, it made no sense to me. And I'm a pretty handsome guy, why couldn't he eye fuck me for a second? Was there something wrong with my hair? Did I not trim my stubble well enough??
And here's where The Eye of the Beholder comes in. Michael has a particular type, NOT him. I have a particular type, which WAS him, and the guy had a type with was NOT me. And none of us should feel bad. MAMIES shouldn't feel bad that he didn't get Michael's attention and I shouldn't feel bad that I didn't get MAMIES's attention. It's just how it goes. My instinct is to find out what this boy likes and then become that, but it's the WRONG move. The correct move is to be yourself SO MUCH that no one can ignore you. So what if you don't get this guy. There's probably someone else out there who is very similar to him who IS into the person that you are. And if not him, someone else who is your type.
Not my type.
We're all so afraid of hurting each other's feelings for not being attracted to someone. But all you gotta do is say the magic words. "Not my type." You're not judging them, you're just saying, "Dude, you're most likely really attractive to someone else, but I just so happen to be into a different look." Done. Ended. No feelings hurt. Maybe some disappointment, but that's it. When I deleted those people on Grindr, I really should've given them at least a "sorry, not my type :( ". Way better than just ignoring.
Part of the genesis of this post was David Bowie's death yesterday. Can you imagine if David Bowie hadn't taken any of this to heart? None of us would have been able to be inspired by him to be ourselves. We wouldn't have realized that no matter how strange you think you are, there are BILLIONS of other people on the planet and there's almost definitely a large group who thinks just like you, and Bowie discovered that. It just so happened that being himself meant constantly reinventing his persona.
So I think the new phrase should be, "Not My Bowie." If Ziggy Stardust approaches you, but you're more into Thin White Duke, just say, "Not My Bowie." If you want "Let's Dance", but "Under Pressure" is lingering around you, "Not My Bowie." If Tilda Swinton approaches you, and you really just wanted plain old Bowie? "Not Bowie." And we'll totally understand.
Any suggestions for updating the phrase Eye of the Beholder? Lemme know in the comments!
-Dan DeStefano