I'm 30 years old. I used to be a pushover. I used to think things like, "This time, it'll be different!" Until I realized that is almost never the case. One example of this, is letting guys spend the night. Beforehand, it sounds amazing. So romantic and loving. Someone to cuddle, someone to hold. It'll be like heaven except without the dying first. But in reality, there are issues. Issues that are going to make me hate you. Here's why.
1. You're GOING to fall asleep before me.
I don't know why, but I have trouble falling asleep. And when it takes you all of five minutes to start snoring or making other "I'm asleep!" sounds, frankly, it upsets me. I start thinking about what it must be like to live a life where you can fall asleep so quickly. Are you always so close to sleep? Do you fall asleep around the house? Behind the wheel? It's probably a good thing that I don't fall asleep so easily, otherwise, I could be dead.
2. My arm is GOING to fall asleep.
Yeah, this is gonna last for all of ten minutes.
I love nothing more than a nice cuddle. My favorite position (a classic) is one arm over you and the other under the pillow so I can more closely cuddle you. After about 20 minutes, I'll inevitably start thinking, "Wow! This time is different! My arm isn't numb at all! This guy MUST be my soulmate. I want to cuddle forever!" Swiftly after, the pins and needles start. And as I mentioned before, you've definitely already fallen asleep, so then, the thoughts and anxiety quickly follow. "How do I get out of this?" "Can I just wait for him to turn?" "How long until I start to experience muscle death?" "Maybe I should get that mattress with 'Cuddle Divots'..."Am I going to wake him up?" "How come my arm falls asleep before I do??" etc. etc. etc. Then like a magician, pulling the tablecloth off of a table, I slide my arm out in one fell swoop. Phew! You're still asleep. Now that I'm free, maybe I should go get some food.
3. You are GOING to take up more than half the bed.
It's science. You started in the "Little Spoon" position, so your body is in a V shape, with your butt and legs fully on my side. Which was fine before, but now, it just doesn't work at all. I have to grin and bear it until you turn or do something. Is pushing you out of the way an option? I'm way too nice for that. But the longer you remain there, sleeping so peacefully, dancing on a cloud as you realize your dreams, the more I want to kill myself and you, if only so I don't have to think about this anymore.
4. We are GOING to get sweaty.
It's almost as if God himself doesn't want me to cuddle with you. If not for my arm falling asleep and you taking up most of the bed, my idyllic cuddling situation is sullied once more by sweat. No matter how open the window is, or how cold the AC blows, we will quickly become covered in sweat. Soon, I will be stuck to you. This has a solution, though, wearing a tee shirt! But goddamn, I didn't invite you to sleep over to cuddle with your tee shirt!
5. I am GOING to wake up several times throughout the night.
Just looking at this photo gives me anxiety. Looks like sore finger joints in the morning!
Inevitably, I wake up the next morning wondering why I'm feeling so tired. Then I realize that it's because I kept waking up, over and over, throughout the night, after taking an hour and a half to fall asleep next to your angelic resting body that was taking up most of the bed when it wasn't crushing my fragile limbs. And a lot of that time awake is spent trying to figure out what the heck to do with my arm. Do I rest it on your side? Put it around your chest? Do I hold your hand with it? Do I palm your sternum or keep a fist? Do I rest it on your shoulder? Are you even conscious enough for this to matter? Probably not.
So it's decided. No more sleeping over. Unless you're someone with whom I can have a productive dialogue before said sleeping time where we go over the rules. Mostly, you need to give me permission to wake your ass up if you're preventing my sleepifying. My first boyfriend and I had a wonderful system. We cuddled for seven minutes, both of us still awake, then split the fuck apart. He was on his side, I was on mine. Genius.
And I'm not saying I never want to sleep with someone ever again! I just don't want to do it if I don't know you very well. Because in that case, my only opinion of you is as someone who prevented me from falling asleep. And that is not a position I want to put you in.
-Dan DeStefano